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Tuesday, October 23, 2012

DIYConspiracy: Is BATMAN part of... THE Conspiracy?

I was busy the other day in my study, poring over the bulk of the Sekrit Documints I had received from our active anti-NWO "lizard wranglers" (the codename for our INTEL/COINTEL team on the "former" planet Pluto), and I happened to have the TV on for background noise, when I heard a familiar opening theme song. To my horror, I was once again face to face with an ancient enemy! It was the original 1960's Batman show!

Now, you may be saying "Cruddy, ol' buddy, it's BATMAN! What's the harm in it?"

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE HARM IS!!!!! Only one of the MOST effective assaults on our moral integrity, perpetrated by one of the most grimy crook'd Komodos (and his soulless ghoulies) ever to be cast off from Set's neither-regions! THAT'S WHAT!

Fortunately, your ol' buddy Cruddy was on the front lines, shoulder to shoulder with many other righteous soldiers in Christ. "Mothers United for Fucking Decency" (MUFD), and your's truly, screamed at the powers-that-be, and warned salt of the earth folk about this horrendous evil being vomited forth by the diabolical cyclops they had so readily allowed into their living rooms.

With memories of the Lavender Scare still fresh in our minds, we set about on the daunting task of deciphering the show's TRUE meaning. We all knew Batman well; he was already caught up in his hijinks from "Massagegate" and "Bedgate" - we KNEW that this was more naughty, naked hooliganism aimed at tender young minds... the same tender young minds that can believe a man to be a bat, and a bat to be a man. If they could buy into such silly things, then WHAT ELSE would they buy into? WHAT ELSE, INDEED!!!!!!!!

Aside from the vomit-inducing pastel palette, which was blatantly obvious for someone with a well trained eye; to the lame onomatopoeia cues that came up while the "Daring Duo" were fighting the bad guys (no doubt to cover up for notorious homosexual Adam West's limp-wristed fighting style) - we decided instead to catalog Batman's implements of crime fighting (a bondage-inspiring kit)!

  • Batarang? Too clumsy.
  • Batmobile? Doesn't seem to be nefarious, though it could be referring to Mobile, Alabama's booming sodomite harems... but those were too obscure.
  • Batcopter? Too hokey, unless it was a sex position?
  • Bat Computer? Well, we didn't have internet yet - so computers seemed fairly harmless; computers helped us beat back the Ruskies!
  • Batspray - possible; it could be referring to the ejaculate spraying forth from the Batdemon's forked neithers.
  • Batcuffs? Hmmmm. Something to dwell on.
  • Batrope? Hmmmmm. Something to tug on.
  • Batpoles? The boys DID spend a good amount of time sliding down AND UP them - simulated masturbation!

Not to mention the villains constantly proclaiming "Come out, Caped Crusader!" Well, where was he hiding? Furthermore; the Caped Crusader & the BOY Wonder's unorthodox rope climbing methods - trying to climb INTO one another, hey?

We were at our wits end, yes, this evidence was hard-hitting - but it seemed circumstantial. Then, a stroke of brilliance; as if God's light had shone through - THE BATCAVE!!!

Ah yes, the BATCAVE. Such a cleverly hidden nugget of debauchery I have never seen before. Right about now, you may be scratching your head, thinking to yourself "How? BAT. CAVE. BATCAVE. I don't get it!" - well my dim friend, let me illuminate this path of reasoning.

The cave, it does play a role here, but the real star is the word BAT.

"Knocking the bats out of the belfry" is a euphemism for sex.

As we all know, the meaning behind the bats being there is because it's either virginal, or hasn't seen sexual action in a while.

Now we have two guys in spandex, who are always, ALWAYS eagerly rushing off to the "BATCAVE".

The only places on a man that could have "bats" is either his mouth, or his RECTUM!

Furthermore, the cave can be represented by these two SINFUL orifices!

Therefore, BATCAVE = GAY SEX!!!!!11!!!

Clever wordplay, Batman creator Bob Kane! Clever indeed. The only flaw in your scheme was casting the notorious homosexual Adam West to play the part of the sodomite Batdemon from SODOM!

Think of all the oiled-up acrobatic positions the "Caped Crusader" and the "BOY Wonder" must have maneuvered one another into! Think of the dirty, sinful butt-games they have played on one another - RISKING THEIR VERY SOULS - for just a morsel of soft man-flesh. Think of the lonely old man, Alfred, watching these sinful hell-sports play out!

Alfred! I almost forgot - Mr. Wayne's "faithful" man-servant! What God-loving heterosexual man would NOT have a wife at his age - unless he too were in on the conspiracy to warp our children's FRAGILE little minds!

BATMAN! BAH! So I turned off my TV, I don't need that sodomistic trash settling in my mind!


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