Slavishly serving up nuggets of ridiculous bullshit, spewn forth from my horrendously polite and correct porcelain god from beyond the grave of the stars - Commodeus. Then, some cookies and punch. The blood and teeth flavored kind.
If it isn't PAINFULLY obvious to you, Shit my Toilet Says deals with Parody, Dark/Sick Humor, and general Weird-Ass subject material. If you want to get all butthurt about it - please kindly GO FUCK YOURSELF. Consider this your TRIGGER WARNING.
/mu/ just killed metal legend Lemmy Kilmister, in the space of one thread! Heads. ALL OF THEM. Delivered to me! You maniacs! You killed him with death! Godda/mu/! Godda/mu/ you all to hell! [Archive]
FROM DRY GRAY ABODE, SWIMMING THROUGH BOXULAR ENCLOSED SEA OF OPIATE AND PERFUME FROM BEYOND SPACE AND TIME, I STARE AT PASSING EMPTINESS, GAP BETWEEN WORLD AND STARS. PASSING ENDLESS TIME COUNTING PASSING CHILDREN OF WANDERERS OF THE VOID, FROM FRAME-LESS VISTA GIVEN TO ME BY MINE DRIFTING HOVEL, FIE! SPIED OVER HORIZON OF ORTHOGONAL CRAGGED CITY-SCAPE 'TIS CHAOS' CORE - NUCLEUS THE OF UNIVERSE.
UNSPEAKABLE NAMED THROBBING MASS, PUSTULED AND BETENTACLED CLOT OF RUTTED FLESH AND GNASHING MAWS KNOWN AS DAEMON-SULTAN, THE BLIND IDIOT GOD RESTS - LULLED BY DISTANT SAVAGE DRUM AND THIN WHINING FROM GODLY WOODWIND. AS THRONGS OF ALIEN SENSUALITY DANCE AROUND HIM IN NEVER-ENDING CIRCUMFERENCE FOR HIS UNCONSCIOUS PLEASURE, SWEAT BEADS FROM THE HEADS OF THE SULTAN'S ALIENIGENATE BAND - AS SOUR NOTE OR ILL-TIMED THUD WOULD ROUSE HIS INFINITE POWER, AND MINUSCULE INTELLECT, BENT ONLY FOR DESTRUCTION!
HIS WAKING WOULD CHASE WONDER AND DREAM FROM THE MINDS OF MAN AND BEAST, STRIP WORLDS OF THEIR MANTLE OF BEAUTY, GAG POETS FROM PONTIFICATING PHANTASM - LEAVING EVERYTHING AS DRY AND BEREFT AS YOUR NARRATOR'S HUMBLE DEN. EVERYTHING KEPT IN BALANCE FROM ENDLESS ARTFUL LABOR, WHEN OBSERVING HIS HEART OF THE VOID - REMEMBER NEVER TO SPEAK THE NAME OF AZATHOTH!
Well, it seems like the boys in Black Pussy are up against the crimson tidal wave of estrus-stench infused rancid cranberry sauce known as feminism. The diaphragm dam has exploded and is threatening to drown all those pot smoking lovers of double-fisted cock & ball, unless, unless our boys Black Pussy change their band's name. Then, somehow, the laws of physics will be brutally raped into submission - no, wait. The professional whales wailers will still find something to cry themselves to sleep over.
One bright and sunny Jackson County Missouri day, Brett Keane grew angry at his wife for ordering mushrooms on his welfare pizza. Enraged, he punched her into the next county, and after a long and frivolous search, couldn't find her. As he was thumbing a ride to the welfare office to strike her from his case, a sucker Christian gave him a ride.
Sucker Christian listened to his sob story, agreed to pay his rent, then Brett found gawd on the spot. After finding his wife, and making sure the Jackson county courts put another notch in his record for domestic abuse, he arrived at his trailer home with his battered wife.
Picking barbed wire out of his wife's hair, Brett announced that he was a Christian and that she's one too. When she objected and said that they were both atheists, Brett punched her into the next state. Then Brett went to his mom's house and kicked his own mother's teeth in for good measure.
AN ICE COLD HEART BEATS, JARRED AND AWAKENED FROM BLANKETS OF SLUMBER AND SLOTH - ONLY TO FIND ITS PEOPLES EXTINCT. A PROUD PEOPLE OF MURDEROUS DEBAUCHERIES AND ANCIENT MYSTERIES, WILLING TO MAKE PEACE WITH MAN - IF THE HAIRLESS SHAMEFUL APE ONLY TOOK ITS HAND AND JOINED IT IN ITS COLD CONCAVITY. THE WRATHFUL HAIRLESS APE, PLETHORIC IN ITS OWN SINS, GLUTTED AND ROOM FOR NO MORE, STRUCK OUT IN RAGE AND SMEARED COLD BLOOD WHERE IT FOUND PURCHASE. THE SIMPLE, DEVILISH APE FOUND FEAR AND TERROR IN SCALE AND SHINE AFTER THAT DAY; IT MADE THE REPTILE THE DEVIL IN ITS EMPTY FAITHS, AND ACCUSED IT OF BEING ROOT TO THE APE'S PATHETIC, SHALLOW NATURE. YIG WILL REST NO MORE AS SHAMEFUL APE DIRTIES AND FILTHIES THE WORLD HIS SNAKES WERE GIVEN BIRTHRIGHT TO! 'TIS TIME FOR BAD MEDICINE TO SWALLOW THE LAND IN PLAGUE AND FRAUD, AS WINGS BLOT THE SUN AND SHADOW THE APE IN MISERY UPON MISERY! YIG IS QUICK TO ANGER, BUT EASY TO PLEASE; APE MERELY NEEDS TO SUPPLICATE ITSELF AND TRANSMOGRIFY ITS WICKED STATE TO THAT OF NOBLE SERPENT - EAGER TO BE PERVERTED FURTHER, HUMBLED MORE, AND MADE HUNGRY FOR THE TEAT OF SIMPLE, BASE SIN!
See, the Klan doesn't like to be racist to houses. Houses do so many nice things for people - they put up with endless amounts of shit (mainly from birds), they stay up night & day, they keep all your secrets, they provide a strong foundation on which to raise a family, their gutters are shallow and up & away from the kids, they always have a bed for you to sleep in & food for you to eat, they go neglected for years and never complain.
To say that a house has some spics, niggers or fags in it is HIGHLY disrespectful to the house. To say that the Klan is only for the rights of the white man is a bold-faced LIE. The Klan cares deeply about houses; it provides shelter for shelters from this raging storm of intolerance. From bungalow to brownstone, from mill to mansion, from shanty to storeybook - the Klan recognizes the wondrous diversity among all housing structures and will continue to fight for the rights of houses to have white men live in them!
WWZenaDoWHOOOOT: So, racists have sweet tooths???
No, racists have a sweet TOOTH. Notice that it's singular. That tooth is very diverse and versatile - it opens beer bottles, it undoes knots, it bites down on crime (at the local bar fight).
I hope this clears up this massive misunderstanding for you all.
God Emperor Trump - May His Glorious Trumpenreich Last a 1000 Generations of Man
Daddy 2016 succeeded in breaking the Republican curse of attracting idiots & other assorted degenerates, and, in the current field of wide-eyed psychos, retarded cold-warriors, and bible-thumping hypocrites, put another Republican in the White House. Long live Daddy 2016(TM), long live the Trumpenreich!
You Can Now Return to Reading This Old Piece of Shit...
Some people think the Republican candidates are just spouting what the party wants them to say - thus ruining their chances of ever taking the White House back again. NO. I honestly think the candidates are saying what THEY want to say.
Hell, some of them could be bound & gagged and STILL be reprehensible scumfucks - regular silent movie villains. All the ones who don't say disgusting shit are just simply dumber than a sack of wet hammers.
I got a body like a chainsaw murder victim, where the killer got bored half way through, and just left the job half done.
I got a face that looks like an pound of rotten hamburger, complete with maggots, that a 60 year old alcoholic took a massive shit on, some punk kids spray painted, a pyromaniac set on fire, and a Samoan firefighter stomped out with a spiked jackboot.
My hair? Imagine Scary Gary's head weeds, only thicker, more tangly, redder, going gray around the temples, and I had barbwire extensions grafted into my scalp on top of it.
My facial hair has two modes - completely shaven that makes my head look tiny, and full-on homeless beard. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This song is so goddamn metal, that I gave myself brain damage from head banging too hard.
It was soon followed by me shitting my pants, falling down a flight of stairs, crushing the family dog, spitting in a girl scout's face and stealing her cookies, re-crucifying Jesus with a nail gun, and planning to cheat on my taxes.
At least I have the sweet ass Steven Hawking setup now. Using your mouth to control a computer that talks to people - pass the pimp cup, nigga! Star Trek has arrived!
What happens if the whole family wants their own dildos? OH NO, NOT IN ARIZONA! This is AMERICA, goddammit! What about my car in every garage, chicken in every pot, and dildo in every drawer?
SCREW THESE COMMIES, wanting us to SHARE dildos! You know how creepy it is to share a dildo with the family? Don't lecture ME about perversion, when YOU want me to share a dildo with the family!
Besides, WE are good god-fearing Capitalists - like our LORD Jesus Christ - and believe that dildos are covered under our personal property rights!
Do you think Jesus would have shared a dildo with God? Could you imagine such a conversation? WELL, IN THE COMMUNIST STATE OF ARIZONA, God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost would have to pack a double-donger and a single bulbous head throbber in their travel bag!
ARIZONA WANTS GOD & JESUS TO GRIND THE DOUBLE-DONGER! TOGETHER!! ASS-TO-ASS!!! GASP!
Get ENRAGED, good god-fearing citizens of Arizona, and DEMAND that your legislature allow more than TWO FAKE POSER DICKS PER HOUSEHOLD!
Let's be real. I still can't get over people who call weapons "her", or name them after wives, girlfriends, models - even the hot chick down the block. Of course, this is not so with the gays, but still, same concept - just replace "her" with "he".
Folks, the business of killing is NOT a business for lovers, unless you are Bonnie & Clyde, and you seen how that ended up.
No, the business of killing is a BEASTLY business, so one's weapon should have a BEASTLY name. Like Rover, or Rex, or Smaug. Basher. Smasher. Even Spot.
Think about it this way; would you make LOVE to your weapon? No? Why? That's right - it's a vicious and cruel lover - if it is even capable of love. Even when it pretends to be a lover, it's still awkward, perilous, or at the very least, unpleasant.
I could not imagine making the beast with two backs with my nylon sack of bricks, or with my logging chain laden & dripping with Master Locks.
Your weapon is a beast - you should feed it regularly. ONLY make love to it if it so desires.
Always remember though - if you name a weapon, remember it's purpose.
I know that circumcision is an ancient Egyptian mark of slavery, but you have to stop living as a defeated slave. At least spit Master's urine back into her face! As long as you are a slave - remember - suicide is not a luxury afforded to your pathetic brood.
I'm cut, and icing myself is the farthest thing from my mind. I'M A MAN, NOT A CAKE, GODDAMMIT! You don't see me moping around because I no longer have the ability to hide a golf ball in my dick skin.
I'm too homicidal and self absorbed to commit suicide. Fucking sexy to boot - all with a master plan that makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE.
It's all copasetic, though. I'm not only the Molten Lead enema president, I'm also a member.
I'm here to make your life unpleasant... of course if you deserve it. My mission is revenge - and the cut boner it gives me to see you squirm. Even when I have no reason to get even. SO YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DESERVE IT. I'm a shifty drifter like that.
I'd assfuck a gorilla while jumping a motorcycle over JFK's grave - and while flying through the air, joined at the pelvis with brute simian, I'd take a steaming chili shit on his headstone.
If it pissed you off, of course. Even if it didn't, fuck you - because that's how I get to the MOON.
In my off time, I am a learned gentleman, a haberdasher, and a purveyor of fine sipping whiskeys.
YOU CANNOT KNOW CTHULHU! TO SPEAK WITH THIS ELDER IS TO INHERIT MADNESS UPON MADNESS, UNTIL YOUR VERY ANCESTORS ARE STRICKEN WITH THE DECAY OF DEMENTIA! HE MOVES WITHOUT FORM IN THE WORLD, UNTIL HE SO CHOOSES TO TAKE FORM! EVERY MIND ROTTING WITH SANITY'S EVIL TWIN, IS BUT A MERE STEPPING STONE FOR THE OLD ONES TO ENTER INTO THIS WORLD. WITH THE GRAVITY OF ALL A SOUL, HE WILL TAKE LIGHT UPON THE CROWN OF HIS VICTIMS, AND PICK AT THEIR MIND AS A VULTURE THE EYES OF A DEAD CALF!
HORROR! TERROR!
There, now go to sleep. Out in the doghouse. You DO NOT have the required amount of fleas to occupy this house!
Some people say that school is a waste of time, and that diplomas are just worthless pieces of paper. I use my diploma for all kinds of things. I've compiled a neat little list to show you just how WORTH-FULL your diploma can be.
Note: These ideas are MINE. I will SUE YOUR ASS if you try to use them yourself.
As a paperweight (it came in a nice case)
As a dust shield (it collects dust instead of what I'm dust-guarding)
Something nice to look at from an angle
For testing ball point pens
Once or twice, as a massive tooter for banging a rail of Peruvian flake
As a makeshift dart board
Once I ran out of toilet paper, so emergency asswipe
As a scary alligator on Halloween(since it's in a green folding case)
A Frisbee (which really didn't work too well)
An AWESOME hat! It's smart.
For shielding my eyes from bright light
A conversation partner (sometimes it gets lonely in my head)
A dog chew toy. Unfortunately, he didn't like the taste of knowledge.
...and here Grandpa told me that diplomas were useless and for faggots. He just didn't know how to use one. It's ok, Grandpa. I understand that you old people have problems with technology.
Too much Vodka will damage your brain, and lead you to believe that your backwards culture and your corrupt politician's actions should be blamed on gay people.
So, we sojourn:
Ruskie Dynamite: My 'shitty country' is the biggest and richest in the whole world
BAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! You potato queuing, vodka swilling, gimme a fucking handout Ivans couldn't hold a country together to save your lives.
