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Thursday, July 17, 2014

Morality Mountain: Jerry Falwell - 15 Questions (1985)

1. Complete this sentence. I think Madonna, Prince & Twisted Sister are?
Jerry Falwell: HAWT! WOOO HOOO! Well, except for Prince - she's a black chick, so I only go half-stock.

2. When Jerry Falwell goes to McDonald's he orders?
Jerry's Kids: A black coffee, and a bran muffin - because when you're full of shit, you gotta start the day out with the big guns. Then I get pissed that they don't have bran muffins, and proceed to punch a Mexican baby in the face.
3. What kind of car do you drive?
Tom & Jerry: An ambulance. You'd be surprised how many hit-and-run victims cry out for Jesus when they are clinging to life.
4. How do you take your coffee?
Jerry Curl: Black - like I said before. I take a lot of things black; money, coffee, limos, hatred... but not women.
5. What's your biggest vice?
Popped Her Jerry: Did you ever read that Hustler story that I sued Larry Flint over? Yeah... let's just say that I accidentally wrote one of my write-in stories on my own letterhead. OOPS. I'm just mad that he took credit for coming up with it on his own.
6. Would you ever host Saturday Night Live?
Jerry JOOS: Only after they fired all the sodomites and Jews.
7. Who's the most dangerous person in the U.S.?
Scary Jerry: Larry Flint. Hell on wheels, I tell ya!
8. Many people hate you. How does that feel?
Comin' Forth To Jerry Me Home: Confused. Why, I love them all like I love my own mother.
9. What do you think of Miami Vice?
Hairy Jerry: That show with the infamous homosexual Don Johnson? What, he's straight? Mark my words - that's a lie.
10. Who's the sexiest woman around?
Jerry Juice: Anita Bryant. Why, I'd squeeze her oranges all day, and gobble the dribbling juices! Later, I'd clean her singing pipes with my cartoonishly over-sized pipe cleaner - if you know what I mean!
11. Does your toilet paper roll from the top or the bottom?
Jerry Rorrs (brought to you in Japanese): From the top. Sometimes, I find from the bottom works well too. I might just start switching it up - surprise the old lady, ya know. She always thought I was ply-curious.
12. What do you like on your pizza?
Jerry's Pizza: Orphan tears and immigrant babies. Already-born immigrant babies - NO to abortion!
13. Which do you prefer... the new coke or coke classic?
Are You Jerry'ing: I actually prefer bathroom coke, with a stranger named Julio.
14. How did the devil last tempt you?
Little Jerry: I already said that I got half-stock for that black trollop Prince, didn't I?
15. What do you think of head cheese?
Jerry the Dairy Farmer: Oral sex is a sin, and any cheese derived from it is straight from the pits of HELL!

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