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Saturday, April 19, 2014

Shit Tech Support: ALL Users Are Stupid Ep. 1 - Burn Issues

Crud O'Matic: Clandestine Lesbian Tech Support, this is Crud O'Matic speaking. How may I help you today - Sir or Madam?

Donnie Wallbanger: Yes, I have a Clandestine Lesbian 21' flat ass monitor - model number OICU812 - and it's having issues with holding images...

Crud O'Matic: Well, our monitors do have some issues with commitment. Have you referred to the F.A.G. on our website?

Donnie Wallbanger: What? Um, no - no I haven't...

Crud O'Matic: Well hold on a second, Sir or Madam, while I bring that up for you...

Donnie Wallbanger: Sir or Madam? I'm a Sir, sir. Can't you tell by my name, or my voice?

Crud O'Matic: Not really - I have problems distinguishing between the human sexes.

Donnie Wallbanger: Human sexes? Just what the hell is going on here - who are you people?

Crud O'Matic: OK, sir. I've loaded the F.A.G. section up.

Donnie Wallbanger: F.A.G.? Don't you mean F.A.Q.?

Crud O'Matic: No. Here at Clandestine Lesbian, we try to be all-inclusive. We have many users from the fallen dimensions, so...

Donnie Wallbanger: Fallen dimensions? What are you talking about?

Crud O'Matic: Ah, it seems you are one of our customers from the Sol system. Don't worry - it's all spacey-wacey, timey-wimey stuff...

Donnie Wallbanger: O.K.

Crud O'Matic: Oklahoma?

Donnie Wallbanger: No, I was just saying O.K...

Crud O'Matic: Ok. Sir, you said your monitor was having issues holding images? What you need to do is tape 7 yard sticks together, and tape those to the bottom of your monitor viewport. This will keep the images from dripping out all over your desk...

Donnie Wallbanger: -_-

Crud O'Matic: Sir, I can hear the faces you are making. There is no need to be offensive...

Donnie Wallbanger: No, no - you don't understand. I'm having burn issues...

Crud O'Matic: Ah, I see - that's what happens when you heat up images too rapidly - they melt, and run out all over your desk...

Donnie Wallbanger: NO! I'm having BURN issues!

Crud O'Matic: The images are burning?

Donnie Wallbanger: YES, the images are burning into...

Crud O'Matic: Well then, sir - if the images are burning or scorching, you need to turn the temperature of your monitor down to 3500K...

Donnie Wallbanger: WHAT? NO! What is this?! I'm just trying to say that the images are staying on screen too long!

Crud O'Matic: Sir - you just said you're having burn issues, and now you're telling me they stay on the screen too long? Make up your mind, please! Either the monitor has commitment issues, or it's too grabby. Can't be both at the same time - unless you have our quantum super-position model - which you don't!

Donnie Wallbanger: urk... -_x

Crud O'Matic: Sir, CALM DOWN! Don't stroke out on me!

Donnie Wallbanger: (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Crud O'Matic: SIR! Please stop abusing your hardware - applied science does NOT work with this model!

Donnie Wallbanger: FUCK YOU!!!!!

Crud O'Matic: Oh, no sir - FUCK YOU... when you see your phone bill!

Donnie Wallbanger: RAWGRGRHGH!!!! *click*

Crud O'Matic: Well, have a nice day - and thank you for calling Clandestine Lesbian!

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