The Naming of Weapons...

Let's be real. I still can't get over people who call weapons "her", or name them after wives, girlfriends, models - even the hot chick down the block. Of course, this is not so with the gays, but still, same concept - just replace "her" with "he".

Folks, the business of killing is NOT a business for lovers, unless you are Bonnie & Clyde, and you seen how that ended up.

No, the business of killing is a BEASTLY business, so one's weapon should have a BEASTLY name. Like Rover, or Rex, or Smaug. Basher. Smasher. Even Spot.

Think about it this way; would you make LOVE to your weapon? No? Why? That's right - it's a vicious and cruel lover - if it is even capable of love. Even when it pretends to be a lover, it's still awkward, perilous, or at the very least, unpleasant.

I could not imagine making the beast with two backs with my nylon sack of bricks, or with my logging chain laden & dripping with Master Locks.

Your weapon is a beast - you should feed it regularly. ONLY make love to it if it so desires.

Always remember though - if you name a weapon, remember it's purpose.

Oh, how you LONG for your foreskin...

I know that circumcision is an ancient Egyptian mark of slavery, but you have to stop living as a defeated slave. At least spit Master's urine back into her face! As long as you are a slave - remember - suicide is not a luxury afforded to your pathetic brood.

I'm cut, and icing myself is the farthest thing from my mind. I'M A MAN, NOT A CAKE, GODDAMMIT! You don't see me moping around because I no longer have the ability to hide a golf ball in my dick skin.

I'm too homicidal and self absorbed to commit suicide. Fucking sexy to boot - all with a master plan that makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE.

It's all copasetic, though. I'm not only the Molten Lead enema president, I'm also a member.

I'm here to make your life unpleasant... of course if you deserve it. My mission is revenge - and the cut boner it gives me to see you squirm. Even when I have no reason to get even. SO YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DESERVE IT. I'm a shifty drifter like that.

I'd assfuck a gorilla while jumping a motorcycle over JFK's grave - and while flying through the air, joined at the pelvis with brute simian, I'd take a steaming chili shit on his headstone.

If it pissed you off, of course. Even if it didn't, fuck you - because that's how I get to the MOON.

In my off time, I am a learned gentleman, a haberdasher, and a purveyor of fine sipping whiskeys.