MEANWHILE, in Arizona...

In Arizona, it seems that you are only allowed to have two dildos, max, in your home:

http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/arizona

You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

What happens if the whole family wants their own dildos? OH NO, NOT IN ARIZONA! This is AMERICA, goddammit! What about my car in every garage, chicken in every pot, and dildo in every drawer?

SCREW THESE COMMIES, wanting us to SHARE dildos! You know how creepy it is to share a dildo with the family? Don't lecture ME about perversion, when YOU want me to share a dildo with the family!

Besides, WE are good god-fearing Capitalists - like our LORD Jesus Christ - and believe that dildos are covered under our personal property rights!

Do you think Jesus would have shared a dildo with God? Could you imagine such a conversation? WELL, IN THE COMMUNIST STATE OF ARIZONA, God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost would have to pack a double-donger and a single bulbous head throbber in their travel bag!

ARIZONA WANTS GOD & JESUS TO GRIND THE DOUBLE-DONGER! TOGETHER!! ASS-TO-ASS!!! GASP!

Get ENRAGED, good god-fearing citizens of Arizona, and DEMAND that your legislature allow more than TWO FAKE POSER DICKS PER HOUSEHOLD!

The Naming of Weapons...

Let's be real. I still can't get over people who call weapons "her", or name them after wives, girlfriends, models - even the hot chick down the block. Of course, this is not so with the gays, but still, same concept - just replace "her" with "he".

Folks, the business of killing is NOT a business for lovers, unless you are Bonnie & Clyde, and you seen how that ended up.

No, the business of killing is a BEASTLY business, so one's weapon should have a BEASTLY name. Like Rover, or Rex, or Smaug. Basher. Smasher. Even Spot.

Think about it this way; would you make LOVE to your weapon? No? Why? That's right - it's a vicious and cruel lover - if it is even capable of love. Even when it pretends to be a lover, it's still awkward, perilous, or at the very least, unpleasant.

I could not imagine making the beast with two backs with my nylon sack of bricks, or with my logging chain laden & dripping with Master Locks.

Your weapon is a beast - you should feed it regularly. ONLY make love to it if it so desires.

Always remember though - if you name a weapon, remember it's purpose.

Oh, how you LONG for your foreskin...

I know that circumcision is an ancient Egyptian mark of slavery, but you have to stop living as a defeated slave. At least spit Master's urine back into her face! As long as you are a slave - remember - suicide is not a luxury afforded to your pathetic brood.

I'm cut, and icing myself is the farthest thing from my mind. I'M A MAN, NOT A CAKE, GODDAMMIT! You don't see me moping around because I no longer have the ability to hide a golf ball in my dick skin.

I'm too homicidal and self absorbed to commit suicide. Fucking sexy to boot - all with a master plan that makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE.

It's all copasetic, though. I'm not only the Molten Lead enema president, I'm also a member.

I'm here to make your life unpleasant... of course if you deserve it. My mission is revenge - and the cut boner it gives me to see you squirm. Even when I have no reason to get even. SO YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DESERVE IT. I'm a shifty drifter like that.

I'd assfuck a gorilla while jumping a motorcycle over JFK's grave - and while flying through the air, joined at the pelvis with brute simian, I'd take a steaming chili shit on his headstone.

If it pissed you off, of course. Even if it didn't, fuck you - because that's how I get to the MOON.

In my off time, I am a learned gentleman, a haberdasher, and a purveyor of fine sipping whiskeys.

Happy Halloween, FUCKERS

YOU CANNOT KNOW CTHULHU! TO SPEAK WITH THIS ELDER IS TO INHERIT MADNESS UPON MADNESS, UNTIL YOUR VERY ANCESTORS ARE STRICKEN WITH THE DECAY OF DEMENTIA! HE MOVES WITHOUT FORM IN THE WORLD, UNTIL HE SO CHOOSES TO TAKE FORM! EVERY MIND ROTTING WITH SANITY'S EVIL TWIN, IS BUT A MERE STEPPING STONE FOR THE OLD ONES TO ENTER INTO THIS WORLD. WITH THE GRAVITY OF ALL A SOUL, HE WILL TAKE LIGHT UPON THE CROWN OF HIS VICTIMS, AND PICK AT THEIR MIND AS A VULTURE THE EYES OF A DEAD CALF!

HORROR! TERROR!

There, now go to sleep. Out in the doghouse. You DO NOT have the required amount of fleas to occupy this house!

The use of a Diploma...

Some people say that school is a waste of time, and that diplomas are just worthless pieces of paper. I use my diploma for all kinds of things. I've compiled a neat little list to show you just how WORTH-FULL your diploma can be.

Note: These ideas are MINE. I will SUE YOUR ASS if you try to use them yourself.

• As a paperweight (it came in a nice case)

• As a dust shield (it collects dust instead of what I'm dust-guarding)

• Something nice to look at from an angle

• For testing ball point pens

• Once or twice, as a massive tooter for banging a rail of Peruvian flake

• As a makeshift dart board

• Once I ran out of toilet paper, so emergency asswipe

• As a scary alligator on Halloween (since it's in a green folding case)

• A Frisbee (which really didn't work too well)

• An AWESOME hat! It's smart.

• For shielding my eyes from bright light

• A conversation partner (sometimes it gets lonely in my head)

• A dog chew toy. Unfortunately, he didn't like the taste of knowledge.

...and here Grandpa told me that diplomas were useless and for faggots. He just didn't know how to use one. It's ok, Grandpa. I understand that you old people have problems with technology.

DIYConspiracy: Little things you learn every day (Vol. 27)

Did you guys know that the moon killed JFK on 9/11? With an inter-dimensional shape-shifting lizard alien nuclear space laser?

EVERYTHING is America's fault. EVERYTHING.

Remember kids, EVERYTHING is America's fault. Because the CIA is just SO DAMN CLEVER.

Oil refinery gets struck by lightning? America's fault. Because we are GOD.

You lose your keys? You're not a dumbass - it's AMERICA.

A Russian, on how superior Russia is to the U.S.

Too much Vodka will damage your brain, and lead you to believe that your backwards culture and your corrupt politician's actions should be blamed on gay people.

So, we sojourn:

Ruskie Dynamite: My 'shitty country' is the biggest and richest in the whole world

BAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! You potato queuing, vodka swilling, gimme a fucking handout Ivans couldn't hold a country together to save your lives.

DIYConspiracy: New study shows that WE are sane, and the anti-conspiracy nuts are the CRAZY ONES!

Finally, VINDICATION! Ever since I discovered the REAL truth back in 1987, while on a peyote fueled fuck rampage in the Navajo desert (those sinful days behind me, much like the burly hippie whom was sensually invading my lower intestine), I KNEW that my previous self, as well as all those who WILLINGLY denied the REAL truth, were clinically insane.

Morality Mountain: I HAVE SINNED!

Everything that I will attempt to say to you this morning will be from my heart. I will not speak from a prepared script. Knowing the consequences of what I will say and that much of it will be taken around the world, as it should be, I am positive that all that I want to say I will not be able to articulate as I would desire. But I would pray that you will somehow feel the anguish, the pain, and the love of my heart. I have always -- every single time that I have stood before a congregation and a television camera, atop this Morality Mountain -- I have met and faced the issues head-on. I have never sidestepped or skirted unpleasantries. I have tried to be like a man and to preach this gospel exactly as I have seen it without fear or reservation or compromise. I can do no less this morning.

Morality Mountain: Today's Sermon - "If you question your parents, YOU ARE MENTALLY ILL!"

I have come before you today, brothers and sisters, to lay yet another munition of heavenly truth at thine feet, to aid you in this WAR against Christianity-ity that the liberals have waged against us!

As the good book says in Isaiah 54:17:

"No weapon that is formed against you shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, said the LORD."

Now, I know that many of you have hell-bound children, probably attending some commie liberal university under the auspices of "It's the best school around! I'll be able to become the best Doctor Lawyer Doctor in the history of fiction!"