Oh, how you LONG for your foreskin...

I know that circumcision is an ancient Egyptian mark of slavery, but you have to stop living as a defeated slave. At least spit Master's urine back into her face! As long as you are a slave - remember - suicide is not a luxury afforded to your pathetic brood.

I'm cut, and icing myself is the farthest thing from my mind. I'M A MAN, NOT A CAKE, GODDAMMIT! You don't see me moping around because I no longer have the ability to hide a golf ball in my dick skin.

I'm too homicidal and self absorbed to commit suicide. Fucking sexy to boot - all with a master plan that makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE.

It's all copasetic, though. I'm not only the Molten Lead enema president, I'm also a member.

I'm here to make your life unpleasant... of course if you deserve it. My mission is revenge - and the cut boner it gives me to see you squirm. Even when I have no reason to get even. SO YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO DESERVE IT. I'm a shifty drifter like that.

I'd assfuck a gorilla while jumping a motorcycle over JFK's grave - and while flying through the air, joined at the pelvis with brute simian, I'd take a steaming chili shit on his headstone.

If it pissed you off, of course. Even if it didn't, fuck you - because that's how I get to the MOON.

In my off time, I am a learned gentleman, a haberdasher, and a purveyor of fine sipping whiskeys.

Happy Halloween, FUCKERS

YOU CANNOT KNOW CTHULHU! TO SPEAK WITH THIS ELDER IS TO INHERIT MADNESS UPON MADNESS, UNTIL YOUR VERY ANCESTORS ARE STRICKEN WITH THE DECAY OF DEMENTIA! HE MOVES WITHOUT FORM IN THE WORLD, UNTIL HE SO CHOOSES TO TAKE FORM! EVERY MIND ROTTING WITH SANITY'S EVIL TWIN, IS BUT A MERE STEPPING STONE FOR THE OLD ONES TO ENTER INTO THIS WORLD. WITH THE GRAVITY OF ALL A SOUL, HE WILL TAKE LIGHT UPON THE CROWN OF HIS VICTIMS, AND PICK AT THEIR MIND AS A VULTURE THE EYES OF A DEAD CALF!

HORROR! TERROR!

There, now go to sleep. Out in the doghouse. You DO NOT have the required amount of fleas to occupy this house!

The use of a Diploma...

Some people say that school is a waste of time, and that diplomas are just worthless pieces of paper. I use my diploma for all kinds of things. I've compiled a neat little list to show you just how WORTH-FULL your diploma can be.

Note: These ideas are MINE. I will SUE YOUR ASS if you try to use them yourself.

• As a paperweight (it came in a nice case)

• As a dust shield (it collects dust instead of what I'm dust-guarding)

• Something nice to look at from an angle

• For testing ball point pens

• Once or twice, as a massive tooter for banging a rail of Peruvian flake

• As a makeshift dart board

• Once I ran out of toilet paper, so emergency asswipe

• As a scary alligator on Halloween (since it's in a green folding case)

• A Frisbee (which really didn't work too well)

• An AWESOME hat! It's smart.

• For shielding my eyes from bright light

• A conversation partner (sometimes it gets lonely in my head)

• A dog chew toy. Unfortunately, he didn't like the taste of knowledge.

...and here Grandpa told me that diplomas were useless and for faggots. He just didn't know how to use one. It's ok, Grandpa. I understand that you old people have problems with technology.

DIYConspiracy: Little things you learn every day (Vol. 27)

Did you guys know that the moon killed JFK on 9/11? With an inter-dimensional shape-shifting lizard alien nuclear space laser?

EVERYTHING is America's fault. EVERYTHING.

Remember kids, EVERYTHING is America's fault. Because the CIA is just SO DAMN CLEVER.

Oil refinery gets struck by lightning? America's fault. Because we are GOD.

You lose your keys? You're not a dumbass - it's AMERICA.

A Russian, on how superior Russia is to the U.S.

Too much Vodka will damage your brain, and lead you to believe that your backwards culture and your corrupt politician's actions should be blamed on gay people.

So, we sojourn:

Ruskie Dynamite: My 'shitty country' is the biggest and richest in the whole world

BAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! You potato queuing, vodka swilling, gimme a fucking handout Ivans couldn't hold a country together to save your lives.